THE DARKNESS OF REGRET

Each moment that we experience is immediately lost to the past.

Everything is constantly fleeting: our thoughts, our experiences, our memories, our bodies, our friends, everything. To work hard for your whole life to reach some magical place called retirement is foolish. Why? Because you spend 40 hardworking years building up this hype about living a life without having to work, but when you get there, there you are.

Your disillusioned mind looks at your wrinkled, old, tattered body and can’t help but wonder where all the time went.

You realize that long, long ago you decided to live a life that was predictable and safe—and by doing so, you did just that. Now you’re here. Having lived your predictable and safe life, you’ve come to the much awaited, highly anticipated, after party of life called retirement.

To cope with the arduous journey to get here, you created a habit of drinking every night to ease the pain of having to wake up the next day to do it all over again. You developed the habit of losing yourself in meaningless, unfulfilling—yet somewhat satisfying—entertainment fluff in the form of 10-second video clips and trivial internet memes.

Slowly, you grow resentful.

To ease your resentment, you create aliases online to anonymously berate those who have traveled a different path. Think about it. You worked hard. You put in the hours of blood, sweat and tears. Why the fuck does this kid on the internet get to make silly videos all day and get paid for it?

He doesn’t deserve that life. You deserve that life, not him.

Fuck him.

Fuck this guy. You wish you could cut this guy’s head off, shove your tiny little penis down his squealing gaping throat and fill his belly with a fat load of your pale white sludge of disappointing sperm, that of which is finally happy to actually be inside of another person rather than on some cum rag that’s sitting next to your overly expensive, high-powered, underutilized, gaming computer.

Now here you are, 65 and ready to leave the workforce.

With all this free time, you find yourself doing what you normally do on your own time. You drink. You watch YouTube videos of people living their lives, and when you finally get sick of that, you turn on your TV to watch reality shows of people pretending to live dramatic lives.

You fall for the pseudo-drama those shows create because they make you feel like your actual living through pain and strife, whereas in reality your sitting on your couch that’s surrounded by old burrito wrappers and empty 40oz bottles of malt liquor.

As you make your way to your calcium and lime encrusted toilet, you avoid looking at yourself in the mirror because you couldn’t allow yourself to truly see what you’ve become.

Not only do you avoid looking at yourself in the mirror, but you avoid yourself entirely.

Instead of working hard to improve your life, you suck value out of everything and anything in order to fill the bottomless pit of despair that resides within your fat, old, failing, resentful body. Likes and upvotes give you orgasms because no one in reality would ever show you that much affection.

You find yourself constantly angry.

Why me?
Can’t someone fix me?
Why can’t they fix me?

You ask yourself these questions as you click between the tabs on your internet browser of overly sensational political news articles and hardcore black-on-white cuckold anal sex.

Because you never took the time to take care of your body, you regularly find yourself with aches and pains. You’re always sick. With each passing year, you become less and less mobile. One day, as you’re browsing through all your useless career “achievement awards,” you actually decide to commit to something: suicide.

And for that specific moment, you finally get a taste of pure freedom.

As you make your way to your closet to pick out the right leather belt to do the deed, you feel equal parts of anxiety and exhilaration.

You’re really going to do this. 

You’re finally going to escape this life of monotony. You’re going to kill yourself, and that’s that. You’ve made a decision, and you’re going to take action and follow through.

You tie that belt to your shower head, put the loop around your neck and let your knees give out.

As you take your last gasping breaths, your vision begins to darken as you slowly deprive your brain of oxygen. You’re in pure bliss. You finally did it. You did something that most people would cower in fear of doing: you made a decision, took action and finally got something that you wanted.

If only you had that kind of motivation when you were in your 20’s and actually made something out of your life.

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